“Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does. 
It is up to you to give [life] a meaning.”
- Jean-Paul Sartre

i found a picture of myself
singing with my friend's band

(who i would go on to play with
and dump tons of time
and effort
and money and soul
into
different poem)

i was smaller then
and your hair was probably green


sometimes i wonder if you saw me one day
at some horrible show
i wouldn't have stood out
i was smaller then

you would've been walking through ICC
probably already tired of being there
and there i would've been
some band shirt
too tight pants
goorin brothers hat

heavy sigh
damnitall things never change

but maybe i was there.  and so were you.

when i see a band i really love
the world stops
i don't know who or what is happening
all i can appreciate is how they play
the way they transition from song to song
spanning albums and career
and sometimes genre

i get lost
and i scream
even if the band doesn't
i holler the lyrics
and move in time in my own space
the crowd around me loses meaning
and i care not who i offend
with my joy

maybe i was there

maybe i was laughable

things never change
i still make that ass out of myself
and i still put myself in situations
where its going to happen

it is not the spectacle it used to be
and frequently i'm there alone
where in the heyday
there was always a crew along for the ride
but still i holler
and shift back and forth in my own little world

and you might see me there
one of these days
but it will be different
i won't be smaller
and i'll be me, not just that guy

that moment
will be just like the other time
except you will know
now what you didn't know then

and we will ride away when the show is done
that will be my favorite bike ride


in that picture i found
my shirt read
"I Am Miss America"