somewhere out there
(probably in jared goertzen's basement)
there is a high-8 cassette which contains footage
of a young jameson drunk me
getting dumped by my girlfriend while i was on tour

NOW

when i say that i was on tour i need to clarify
my nominally known regionally touring band was out for a couple of weeks playing small venues and basements.

nothing spectacular.  nor had i been gone long.

it was nothing spectacular.  but we had a good day on merch, and got a hotel, and it was half past wasted for us all.

and i needed to call my lady so i moved my sleeping bag to the vending machine room, because clearly that is the optimal place for privacy.

everything happened really fast

the room got small, sausha told me what her and john had been up to, and then there was erik, goertzen, and a camera.

i think i laughed and drank more.  i don't really remember.


a couple of weeks later, after they both implored that i did not tell john's girlfriend until he had talked to her, my aunt passed.

i drove to her funeral.

my mom said some things there, beautiful things, and really impressed upon everyone to live intentionally

john called and left a voicemail
his girlfriend called and wanted to meet up and
"see what happened"
i didn't know what that meant, and i didn't call either back.

i wanted to live intentionally.
so i drove home in silence, and drank whiskey until i passed out on the roof of my garage.